well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
