quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
