drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
