please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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