I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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