Porn is love you can see.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
