I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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