I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
