i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
