he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
