I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
