how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
