When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
