Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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