The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
