Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
