I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
