So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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