How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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