i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
