I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize