I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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