He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
