I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
