I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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