My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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