The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
