Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
