Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
How naked do you want me to be?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
