Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think your dad took our porno
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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