So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
