So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
