Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Randomize
