It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
