My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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