if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
