is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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