Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
