my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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