I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
