Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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