Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
