I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
