The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
