I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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