highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
