ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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