There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
