I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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