I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it's great music for shaving your balls
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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