the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
