Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
