Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
