hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
